I am honored to be a part of Raebeth McGee-Buda’s blog tour. This event reflects the pain and sorrow she went through, but it is much bigger than that. It also reflects her great faith and hope, and the belief that her little one will always be a part of her life.
I well remember when Raebeth was expecting Dakota; at that time, I barely knew her on Facebook. It tore my heart when she and her family had to grieve when they had expected joy, and it has gladdened me to see how she has worked through her grief, to a place of acceptance.
The following is an excerpt from her book, “Saying Good-bye, Without Saying Hello”:
Around 1:00 on the morning of the 27th, a person from the OB floor called my name. I motioned him over. He grabbed the wheelchair and pushed me through the halls. Mom and Greg followed closely behind. When we finally got to the sixth floor, they took me into triage room one.
“Hello, what brings you in?” The woman asked as she came in.
“I think we’re about to have a baby.” I answered her with a smile.
Why else would we be there? It’s not everyday people like to hang out in the OB part of the hospital for no reason at all.
“Okay, you’ll need to strip from your waste down. I’ll need a sample of your urine here in this cup and put the rest in the plastic bin. I’ll be back in a few minutes to hook you up.” She instructed as she pointed to the small toilet in the room.
It was a good thing I had to go. I looked over at my mom and Greg as I said, “Hope I can do this without peeing all over the place.” Of course, I tried to make both laugh and succeeded. As I pulled down my panties, I noticed a small amount of blood. My mom and Greg noticed too.
“The bloody show. You’re definitely not going anywhere any time soon.” My mom said with a smile. “We’re gonna have a baby!” She chanted excitedly.
The only thing I could come back with was, “Or she’s in distress.”
“Don’t think like that. All will be fine. Have some faith.” My mom said to calm me down and comfort me.
Once I was ready to get on to the bed, I slowly made my way with Greg’s help. I laid back and the contractions were much stronger. Around one in the morning, the nurse finally came back in, shut the door, and walk to the left side of the bed. She grabbed a strap and placed it on my belly. “This will monitor the contractions, which I see you’re definitely having.”
Once the strap was in place, she fiddled with the machine for a few minutes and said, “Let’s find that heartbeat.”
She grabbed the gel, put a good bit on my belly, and grabbed the Doppler. Once she spread out the gel, she started searching for Dakota’s heartbeat. I couldn’t wait to hear it. It was only a matter of seconds before I’d hear it.
She kept moving around on my belly. I pointed to right side of my belly button and said, “This is usually where my doctor found her heartbeat without a problem.” She moved the device there. We still didn’t hear anything.
After another squirt of gel on my belly, she searched again. My heart raced and panic overtook me. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I glanced at my mom and Greg. They were worried too. I saw Greg swallow hard and turned my attention back to the nurse.
“Sometimes it takes time to find the heartbeat. The baby could be lying with her back towards yours, which makes it hard for the machine to pick it up. I’m going to get an ultrasound machine. That will definitely pick it up.” The nurse said, as she placed the Doppler back and walked out of the room.
My mom saw worry and panic cross my face. She stood up from her chair and walked over to me. “Let’s pray” she said. My mom, Greg, and I said a quick prayer while we waited on the nurse. Within a few minutes, the door opened and the nurse pushed in an ultrasound machine. She plugged it in and turned it on.
As she stood to the right of me, Greg and my mom were on my left. My mom held my leg and Greg took a hold of my hand. I eagerly wanted the nurse to put a fire under her ass and hurry up. It seemed like everyone and everything started moving in slow motion. The nurse began looking at Dakota through the ultrasound.
At first, I couldn’t tell what was on the screen. What I noticed was that she was not trying to hear her heart but to see it. That was when it came into view. My daughter’s heart was not beating. I rubbed my eyes, thinking they were playing a trick on me. The nurse stood up and walked out of the room without saying a word.
Moments later, three other medical personnel walked into the room. They whispered in their small circle where we couldn’t hear and continued looking at the screen. The room was quiet. I heard the ultrasound machine running and could have heard a pin drop. I knew my baby was gone by the look on their faces, but no one said anything.
“Ummm, hello? Someone tell me what’s going on?” I yelled. I was tired of it. I knew what this meant, but I wanted them to say it. It was not final until someone had said it.
The doctor closest to me said, “I’m sorry. She’s gone.”
And that was a year ago. Today, this week, we celebrate Dakota’s life. For she does indeed live on, even if it isn’t in bodily form.
I had a wonderful opportunity to interview Raebeth. In this interview, however, I focused on other aspects of her life, rather than the events surrounding Dakota’s brief foray into our world. It seemed appropriate somehow:
I see your birthday is June 8 – happy birthday!
Thank you so much.
I hope it’s a wonderful day for you.
Your “trigger” for wanting to write happened in 11th grade lit class. Was there anything specific, like a project that you worked on, or was it the class in general?
I was working on writing Silenced (my first book) as a short story. When my teacher read and graded this project, she mentioned it would make a great novel if I expanded on it in the future.
And thus an author is created. Interesting how just the right words, at just the right time, can launch a person’s life ambitions.
You write in the Christian fiction genre. Could you give us more details on that?
I am not sure what type of details one would find interesting. However, I write from my heart. I put it in a genre only because that is how books are classified. I do have other books in the works that are in other genre as well. I began my writing by creating stories, which are close to me, and ones, which I feel, need more awareness. Of course, each one I have written thus far reflects parts of my own life, which has Christ in it.
Beautiful–I hope they all do well.
I see you have an associate’s degree in business administration, as do I. Has your work in this area helped in your writing/publishing path? How so?
The degree has helped me. I’m a self published author. Therefore, I guess you could say that when it comes to marketing and promotion, the degree comes in handy.
I can see that. Marketing especially.
How does your family react to your needs for writing; i.e. personal space, time alone, etc.?
My family fully supports every aspect of my writing. Most of it is done during the day when my husband is sleeping (he works nightshift) and when my daughter is at school. However, come September that will be changing once my son is born. My husband and I will take turns with him and I’ll have time to write. I also plan to try to kick out a few pages during naps too.
I pray that your little boy is everything you hope for. Please keep us all informed as to how things are going. We’re all pulling for you.
Please join me in wishing Raebeth and her family well. Thank you.